September 11, 2015
The more I think about it, the more I worry about my sincerity. I worry about losing my intention for Hajj. I worry about over-questioning the rites of Hajj. I think about the mistakes I’ve made since I became a Muslim… I worry that all of the things I’ve worked hard to do to please God, all of them have been annulled because of a stupid thing I did or said. I mean, I get frustrated and distraught when I lose a save file on a game—all those hours of progress lost. Imagine seeing an entire life being lost in the same way. As if nothing you ever did matters. God protect us.
This entry touches a bit of a nerve for me, and I thought about whether or not I should include it. Ultimately, though, I kept it because I think the struggle to remain sincere is one that everyone faces. We face it in both the spiritual and secular aspects of our lives. It’s easy to say the words of Hamlet‘s Polonius, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” But it’s another to have to deal with that in reality. There will be times when your sincerity is tested. People will doubt you. You will doubt yourself. Sometimes the greatest tests of sincerity come with our achievements. Do we accept our achievements with humility, or glorify ourselves in our arrogance? A wise man once said that sincerity is the hardest thing for the soul to achieve, for it attains nothing in this world. Your sincerity is only known by you and God.
This entry also touches on another fear of mine. I’ve grown up as a gamer, and I know the frustration of having a save file get deleted, corrupted, overwritten, etc. I know what it’s like to sink in all those hours of progress into a quest or a character, only to have a glitch or something wipe it all away. That analogy has always stuck with me when God talks about the Day of Judgment. On that Day, some will see their deeds—their whole life—brought before them and then see all of it turned to dust. It’s worse than losing your save file; you’ve lost your entire life.